Insatiable Thirst

Just so you know that at some point i had lost the goal of my life. I mean like really, i questioned why the fuck am i here? And i didn't get the answer. Even if i have it now, but it's still a little unacceptable for it seems like life can do much more than what i'm after.

So that one time, my friend asked some questions and i gave my answers, poor answers.
"Why you entered university?" "to get a job"
"What for?" "money"
"For?" "survive"
"What's so bad about death?" "not living?"
"What's the exact thing that we should be afraid of not living?" "probably hell or heaven"
"If they did exist, and if they do not?" "..."



So that's the point where i asked myself "what the hell am i doing in here?" I lost in what i would do in my entire life for that i don't really know what i'm chasing after. But then i asked some other friends, and the questions didn't stop like they did at me, my friend answered that he would need money to feed his future children and wife. That's a lot better answer than survive.

So i had chosen to throw away heart existence on my earlier post and instead putting my heart at my head, and i had given my opinions too about religion on many of my posts, you know that religion is currently not my priority.

So after i heard my friend's answer about feeding someone else, i decided that that's a lot better than lost and confused. So i started to have the answer of my friend's as a new goal of my life. But only just then, this case suddenly got a little more complex.

That answer could only apply if i had somebody else in my life.
And i need to be alive to possess any.
What would happen if i die before i even meet someone special enough to spend my life with?
What if everything ended before i meet someone that i can logically fall in love with?
Before i meet the one that made my head says yes?
What's the real goal of life afterward?
What am i supposed to do in my life?

So that becomes irrational for i have no idea what would happen later.

What are we actually doing in this world? What makes surviving so necessary?

I envy to those who can have faith on afterlife that easily. I realized that believing in religion makes this life a lot more simpler. They will have reason for what they are doing, even though there's no prove. Perhaps that's why religions exist. I can't imagine the majority losing orientation about life. But back again, i can't just count on the existence of something that no one can't guarantee.

So basically, no one is actually doing anything for a good reason

For me now, life is just an illusion, because the only thing that we know and we can be sure of is that it will end.

I don't really know why the more i understand something, the lesser interest i eager to earn about it. And i think i'm starting to gradually understand life. But i'm afraid that i will understand it for too soon, i'm afraid that i'll try to find something more interesting to understand, death.

But many of times, some are not as precious as when i don't have it. That's why i don't kill myself. I don't know how much life is worth when i don't have it.

The real goal of my life for now is having every of my questions answered because this is the only thing that could last until my last breath.

And the best part of my new orientation is



It's fucking rational.