Paradiso

I was laying alone on the balcony, stargazing the night sky when the brightest star on the horizon suddenly disappeared. I couldn't notice any presence of cloud that time, the other stars are still there but the brightest one just disappeared and i didn't know where it went. I didn't really know what was the name of that star but i hope that was the mighty Sirius, i was so sure that was Sirius. But what happened next is something as impossible as that moment when i suddenly transported into the front gate of hell, the brightest star came back, and it turned much brighter and bigger than before. That star was getting bigger and bigger, and i just get fascinated of that probably one of the rarest beautiful event a human can witness merely with naked eyes. I didn't blink that moment for a pretty long period as when i see that star transformed into a colossal shining ball. But then i knew that that star wasn't getting bigger or brighter, it was moving closer. At that point, the only possibility i could think about is the first act of giant chain reactions of doomsday.



That star got even bigger, or closer, i wasn't so sure, than before, from only a tiny dot at the vast universe's sky, into the size of the tip of my thumb. Since the first moment of seeing that expanding star, i didn't pay any attention to my surrounding circumstances, because seeing that kind of both terrifying and fascinating moment was so awesome. Until i realized that that star wasn't the one who gets closer to the earth, but it was me who floats toward that star. I got so shocked and scared of that moment, i couldn't tell what was happening, but i couldn't do anything either, i couldn't find the position of my mother earth, i just realized that i might be flying for a really long time because it had been a really long distance between my balcony and this point. I couldn't do anything so i just do nothing and let everything happened.

The bright star is right in front of my eyes now, and i'm sure that this star must be some kind of gate which would lead me somewhere else, maybe a place with different existing dimensions, i don't know.

Everything turns blank when i touch that star, and i don't know what is happening.

"Dante, are you alright?" someone said that, i can't see properly yet, but i'm sure that was a sound of a lady. "Dante?" then i can finally focus my sight gradually. My sight is not fully working yet but i can see that i'm sitting on a well-cared earth's old environment before industrial revolution where the sky looks so blue, the atmosphere feels so chilling and like the more you inhale this air, the more you feel like you can fly. I can see immaculate lines of pine trees with vine and bushes around. I can hear the sound of flowing water on the river somewhere in this place. I can hear the choir of singing birds, and it heard so beautiful. The breeze makes everything better for this place, i haven't fully awaken yet but i know that this is the most relaxing place i have ever been in. "Are you okay Dante?" the lady asked me again. Now i can finally rip the dizzy off my head and i can see clearly now. I take a look at that lady from her feet up to her eyes.

"Oh my god is that you Beatrice?" the lady gives me a little smile and says "you are in Paradiso Dante, welcome".

"Where am i? What just happened?" "this is Paradiso, you passed out when you approached Sirius, everyone does, are you alright?" "this place is heaven?" "yes it's heaven, are you okay?" "Yes i'm fine now, just a bit dizzy". I'm so sure that she is Beatrice, the love of my life, the one i have been in love since the first sight when i was only 18 years old, the last grade of high school.

I just moved to this new neighborhood, my parents were divorced and i decided to live with my father. We moved to Florence. I didn't know anyone in this new place but my father. He sent me to a public school near our house. I wasn't really good at socializing that time because i didn't understand anything about this world yet. I had no friends for a few couple next weeks because i mostly didn't really get what the society is up to and i can hardly understand about everything, so i tend to close myself from the world and i thought it was unnecessary to get any friend because i will be graduated soon anyway. But that one lunch break, i decided to pay a first visit to the school canteen. There, i saw a young beautiful lady walking with her meal to a desk. I couldn't define what made someone looks so special, or what is the meaning of beautiful itself, but i can guarantee that my brain just instantly accepted the whole picture and translated it into something i don't understand which made me strangely happy for continuously staring at her. Her black long hair was straight and well-nourished, her lips was so red and in the perfect balanced shape, her nose perfectly fitted her mouth, she had that good looking eyebrows which fitted her forehead, and her eyes was bright blue, the most beautiful pair of eye in this universe, reminded me of the night when my family went to Australia Outback to share the happiness with the whole Milky Way. I kept looking at God's astonishing perfect mixture on a young lady for a few minutes after the first time i saw her. She took a seat on a corner with some of her friends, looked like she wasn't that kind of popular girl or some sort. I glanced at her over and over that break time till the bells ringed.

I tried to keep myself hidden beneath the shady side, because it had been a few weeks since the first time i went to the canteen and she still didn't notice my presence even if i went there everyday since the first visit. I still didn't know who she is and i didn't bother myself to, because i think it was unnecessarily wasting time. This is what i kept saying to myself and thought about that time:

"Love is a stupid thing. No one could tell what kind of exact feeling was it. Only stupid people fell in love. I mean being in a confusing condition, living in anxiety, imbalanced doze of desperation and happiness occurred in life, i couldn't really tell what makes this kind of thing sounds so beautiful for those stupid people."

I was only admiring God's creation, i wasn't a stupid person. Until that one moment at one lunch break, she, that young beautiful lady, suddenly dropped her stuff off the table. Then i could hear her friends shouted at her, then she left the table, crying. I didn't know why but i feel bad of that moment. The following day, i took the seat where i used to sit which had the good angle to look at the young lady's seat, but this day, wasn't as usual, the lady didn't show up at her usual timing. She wasn't there when she usually there, i didn't feel good about it, she supposed to be sitting there, right on the stool i was looking at, but she wasn't. Then after fifteen long minutes, she showed up, it was such a relief for me, then at that moment i thought about what just happened to me, i was being overacting for a stranger's non-existence, i should stop. Then i thought it probably just a feeling of loneliness, i missed my mom, so i just let that feelings flow and resisted the emotions to erupt. Then i saw her took her routine meal, sandwich and milk, then she walked the other direction she used to take, she didn't take her seat but instead walking toward my desk. She sat, near my desk, actually in front of my desk, but her seat directed into another direction. Then there she was, right in front of me, i asked myself what should i do and the answer was of course do nothing and act normal.

She was eating her lunch when the first time we finally looked at each other's eyes.

I'm still feeling happy for that memory.

I felt so nervous, the sweat running down my chin, and my hands were shaking. I gave her a smile, then she smiled me back. Then i hid my hands which were trembling even harder by trying to do my lunch, but instead that act worsen the situation, i dropped the salad i was eating all over my pants. She looked at me and laughed, then she took her lunch moved over to my desk. "Hello, i have never seen you around before" "oh really? I sit here everyday?" "really? How could i not notice that? Hahaha what's your name?" "Dante, 3rd grade" "you're on the 3rd grade? How come could i never see you?" "i just moved in" "oh so you are the new student, welcome, Dante, i'm Beatrice also on the 3rd grade" "nice to meet you Beatrice" "nice to meet you too Dante" then she gave me the most hypnotizing smile i have ever saw. We finished our lunch then the bells ringed "see you Dante, good luck" "yes thanks, see you Beatrice". I reached home after school that day, then did the routines till it came the time for bed, i couldn't sleep and i had been thinking about her since the last time i didn't see her at her seat. I closed my eyes but my head couldn't shut and my stomach is shaking. It felt like my whole body was recovering the whole system with the new unknown thing. I couldn't think clearly but i felt so happy, much much more happier than i have ever been in my entire life. I couldn't stop thinking about her, i spent that night sleepless because i couldn't keep my mind shut.



And from that moment on, i declared myself that i'm one of those stupid people. But i don't regret this dumbness, i would like to drown in this.


I fell in love.


I actually fell for her since the first sight, i just hadn't noticed what kind of thing love was, i don't know, probably since the first sight.


With a young lady who had the most beautiful eyes. The world turned much brighter and much more wonderful.

Since then, i felt like i had found the point of life, to discover what you love then do whatever it takes to survive just so i can keep drowning in it.

Days, weeks, months passed by. I spent every lunch break on that seat waiting to see the most perfect beautiful smile no one can ever have again for the second time.



But that never happen.

I had never seen her go to that place again. She just gone like that. I asked myself hundred of times where she was going.

Did i just fell in love with a ghost? It couldn't be because everything was so real, she was real i knew that, the moment i talked with her was real i was so sure.

I spent nights with anxiety, i spent only few hours to sleep every night, i spent most of my nights thinking about her, i spent months wondering what just happened to her.


Then i could no longer hold it, i asked some of her classmates where she had gone. And it took no long to get the answer.

His father died of an accident a couple days after my first conversation with her.

Her mother decided to move abroad where her family belongs because Beatrice was having a serious illness either. Her father's death had worsen everything for her and her mother didn't want to take any risk for her daughter's life.

The pain is excruciatingly torturing me every second, every time i remember my dumbness of not trying to know her sooner till now. I still feel like dying every time i wake up of bad dreams when every single kind of thing reminded me of her. I still get haunted by my inevitably unacceptable stupid self-centered arrogant mistake. I still regret  my elaborate complicated way of building perception and making theory of abstract miscellany which i'm not completely understand on my own. I had abandoned my conscience after letting misunderstood self-compassion led away. I miss her so much.

I miss her beautiful eyes and her gorgeous smile so much.

Few years after graduation.

I met an unexpected old friend from high school at a cafe somewhere in Sicily, he was the first guy from high school i met after graduation. That was a beautiful evening, the full moon was shining bright with thousands of stars around that night. We had some little talks rewinding the high school, current activities, and family. But then i asked him about her "Hey remember a beautiful girl called Beatrice?" "yes of course" "i wonder how she is doing right now" then he told me that Beatrice, who had been fighting cancer from only a little 10 years old girl, she gave up 17 months ago. The moon flew, the stars dispersed, time stopped. I lost my visibility, i became numb, i couldn't move.

I passed gruesome phases where i felt like i just want to end everything up. I had been in a ledge and i had tried to jump. I had tied a rope and i had stood on a stool with the rope on my neck. I had had a knife on my throat and i had almost penetrated it. I had a loaded gun pointed on my head and i had placed my finger on the trigger.

But i couldn't do it, my head said go ahead but something deep inside kept stopping me to try to. My heart always believe that she is up there, and we'll meet again if i were doing good and judged worthy to enter that far more beautiful place. I believed that someday i'll meet her again. And i had found another fact of this happening thing, that there was no kind of any redemption i could do here in this world.

I had also tried to wake up and face the reality, i tried to move on. But the more i try, the more i felt like it was all my mistake, i don't need to be in this situation if i didn't do anything wrong.



Because once you love something, you can never truly let it go.






"Oh well that's great, you'll be fine soon" "you haven't answered my question" "which one?" "the first one" "oh that one hahaha" "so?" "so what?" "is that you?" The lady stares at me with her beautiful eyes then gives me that beautiful old smile.